Forgive Me O Love!

23-July will always remain special for me and on this special occasion I want to convey my feelings to my love, sadly this letter is the only way I can convey it to her. Knowing that she won't talk to me now, and have blocked me from her life, for the pain I have bestowed, knowingly or unknowingly. But I hope that she reads this somewhere, someday, somehow and does forgive me, because that's all I long for.

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You will always remain in my memories

Dear Love, 
I am so distraught right now. Everything is over and I can’t fix it. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to look at. All I have are these memories of you, I find them comforting. My memories are the place where only you and you live. I despise myself for this. I will never forgive what happened. Fury is the only emotion that constantly fills my heart and I wonder if it will ever leave me. 

I can’t ever remember feeling happier than I was when i was with you. I can still recall exactly what you wore on our first date, exactly how you smelt, and exactly how I felt. I was so determined not to like you though because of how careful I am with my heart. I knew this would happen, I knew your parents will never validate our relation and everything logical was screaming at me that what we were doing, falling in love, had to stop; but I guess sometimes the least logical paths in life are the most intriguing to follow. 

ocean blue eyes

For some reason, I just couldn't find the courage to stay away from you. You are so breathtakingly gorgeous. I can’t get past your perfect smile or your ocean blue eyes. I can actually remember the first time I really looked into your eyes. We were sitting in the CCD. I told you that I have hearts for you and you were starteled because you were expecting me asking your help to hook up with your friend. I was mesmerized by your eyes; they held so much beauty and mystery. I wished then, that I could be that one guy who unravels every secret you held in your heart. 

I’m a strong person. I’ve always prided myself on that, but why is it that I’m still so broken? I still walk around this big campus and constantly see things that instantly remind me of you. You are like some kind of depression drug that I can’t get myself to stop taking. No one on earth can get me to stop. I look at all of our pictures sometimes to remind myself of all the good times we had, but in the end they just make me sadder. 

Everything I used to love just doesn’t matter without you and I’m sure that sounds pathetic. I’m so sorry for needing you this badly. All of this hurt is exactly why I was so determined to dislike you when we first met. I never imagined it might hurt this badly though, or in this way. I thought that we’d just breakup. I never expected this. 

I replay the moment you told me you loved me in my mind at least two or three times a day. The memory comforts me when I feel most alone. I still taste you on my lips when I remember the moment. We were outside and the moonlight was framing your face so perfectly, and as you bent in to kiss me before I drove home it was different. I could tell by how nervous it seemed, you were trembling and as you broke away you whispered my name. I began to get nervous and anxious; I wasn’t sure what was happening. I whispered your name back quizzically and then you whispered mine again. You paused for a half of a second which felt like a millennium then whispered those beautiful, fateful, dangerous and intertwining three little words to me. You said, “I love you.” 

I choked up in that exact second. I wasn’t even sure I had heard you correctly. The next moment I felt myself being spun in the air from your happiness. I felt your entire body relax and when you bent in to kiss me it was magic. There was so much passion and desire that it overwhelmed me. It was as if our hearts beat in the same rhythm that night. This is the most powerful memory I have of you. It will linger with me as others will forever. This makes me happy to remember it, but sad to know that I’ll never get a chance to make more memories with you. Though we can never be back together ever, I respect your decision and I still love you so much.

Yours Forever,

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-Aditya Kasar (AK) 

P.S: The images used are for representational purpose only and are property of their rightful owners.